brighid71

Crisis averted!

Sun, 11 May 2008 18:16:13 GMT

Thanks to Lassarina for bothering to read and comment. I absolutely agree with everything you said - and I would have agreed yesterday, too.

The good news is that St Bride (or Brighid, if you prefer ;) ) worked her magic. I set out the chairs and alter with tears running down my face, still wondering where God was, demanding a reason for doing what I was doing (other than the obvious one that there wouldn't be a service for anyone if I didn't), asking why does anyone bother. And how do people facing that kind of doubt cope, especially ones with 'leadership' roles. I mean, if you're just 'going through the motions', sitting at the back, keeping your head down, how does anyone know you're in crisis? But if you're leading worship, how do you say the words with conviction whilst doubting every syllable? And how do you face the possibility of 'infecting' others?

But even during the first song, I could feel the change. 'Jesus Christ is waiting'... Waiting for me. It's a powerful song about injustice and our desire to join God in tackling it. By the end of the service, I was well and truly back in the zone. I could feel God within, without - with me. Part of it was that today's topic - the world food crisis - really put my 'suffering' in perspective. How did my troubles even begin to compare?

That's not to say I haven't suffered, recently - this has been without doubt the worst period of my life. But it kind of pales into insignificance next to global starvation...

As far as doubt in general goes, I have no problem with it, with questioning everything - especially the things I've taken for granted. I like using the 'proper' alter and the silver cup and plate for communion - but would it be the end of the world if we used a wine glass, china plate and small table? It would seem a little strange, but it would still work. I know that's not quite what Lassarina was talking about, but it is the kind of question we're tackling at St Bride's at the moment.

Things like getting my head around the Trinity (three persons in one God? three (or more) different ways of experiencing God? something else?), finding God in other people and in the world around me, the lack of the sacred feminine in Christianity (and particularly Protestantism) are issues I struggle with all the time.

If I ever label myself, I'm most likely to describe myself as a Protestant - ie, not a Roman Catholic. Part of that is about being rigid about worshipping only one God, ie, steering clear of Mary and the plethora of saints as being worthy of receiving prayers. But I'm not really comfortable about defining myself as 'not something' - seems a bit negative, doesn't it?

But... all of that is different to what I've been going through since I read Dawkins' book. Somehow, the very existance of God seemed in doubt - or at least my connection with him, did.

Now, though, I wonder what all the fuss was about...

Crisis...

Sat, 10 May 2008 20:07:33 GMT

So, where else am I going to come clean and admit that I'm in the midst of a crisis of faith?

How can this happen to me? I've never doubted the existance of God ever. Well, in my teens I was less than convinced that he did, but I never actually denied him.

And how can Richard Dawkins' spiteful diatribe be the thing that did this? It was all so much nonesense! Well, some of it was true, or at least a version of the truth. Roman Catholicism can look very like polytheism, and the Old Testament does sometimes present God as blood thirsty and genocidal.

I've tried telling myself that the God I don't believe in is the one presented in Dawkins' book. But when I try reaching out to the God I do believe in, I can't find him. I'm still praying to him, but only inwardly. Whenever I try to look beyond myself, I just find emptiness.

I don't want to live in a world where God does not exist. It's a cold, empty, yawning pit of a world. There is no comfort there, no 'escape'.

Which makes me ask, is that all I'm looking for? Some kind of comfort zone? Some way of absolving myself from responsibility? But recent experience has shown that living with God is sometimes very uncomfortable indeed, and I've never asked anybody else to be responsible for my life.

So, is it being a 'pillar of St Bride's' that keeps me going there? The lingering feeling (hope?) that if I didn't go the place would fall down? I have considered asking Guy if I could take a 'sabbatical' - but what else would I do with my Sundays? Going to church is part of my weekly routine. And I think that any answers that I seek can only be found there.

Living with doubt is not new. But doubting God? That is new - and it's terrifying.

Sometimes I feel myself wrapped in the presence of God, his precious child, his beloved. And sometimes I feel alone, cut off, bereft.

The first feeling comes when I'm not looking for it, when my mind is distracted - when God can sneak in through the back-door as it were, slipping past my reason unnoticed? The second comes when I deliberately try to seek him out, a child chasing a teasing parent who always stays just out of reach.

I don't want to play games. I just want my God back...

Tired today...

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 16:18:46 GMT

So tired today
Endless interruptions 'til
Real work can begin

The first day back...

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 17:02:12 GMT

It's the first day back
Catch up, coffee and e-mails
Take a deep breath, now!

I am the gate for the sheep

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 16:22:59 GMT

Gate
Entrance, secure, threshold, way in, in/out, barrier, way through barrier, lock, handle, door, opening, door frame, door step, gate-post

Light of the World

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 13:03:47 GMT

Wednesday
Illuminate, shine, sun, bulb, lamp, flame, candle, reveal, dazzle, gleam, sparkle, glow, warm, lead, tunnel, sight

I am the bread of life

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 13:54:17 GMT

Monday
Food, sustenance, basics, grain, flour, kneading, yeast, unleavened, loaf

Wednesday
http://www.mediatinker.com/blog/images/bread-ad-thumb.jpg

http://www.nobody-knows-anything.com/Pix/bread.jpg

http://tjrecipes.com/nucleus/media/1/20070214-bread1.jpg

http://www.fotosearch.com.br/comp/IMP/IMP140/assortment-of-bread.jpg

http://www.ricolopez.com/images/Bread_7.jpg

http://www.all-creatures.org/recipes/images/bread-orcardrais4.jpg

Lent2008

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 13:52:40 GMT

Following on from last night's The Well, I have decided to take a serious look at Jesus Christ, and my relationship with him. In an effort to get to know him a little better, I'm going to start with the 'I am...' statements in John's Gospel.

John 6: 35
Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.

John 8: 12
When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

John 10: 7
Therefore Jesus said again, "I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep.

John 10: 11
"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.

John 11: 25
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies

John 14: 6
Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

John 15: 1
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.

So, we'll start at the beginning...

More tears in the night

Sat, 13 Oct 2007 10:16:23 GMT

*sigh*

Well, I've tried doing what Liz suggeted. Here goes:

Ministry at work I think I can be a little corner of calm, on occasion, but I need to work on being that more often. What Andrea described as my sense of serenity come from feeling centred, and calm within. My equilibrium hasn't really been settled for quite a while. Hopefully, a decision about continuing with ordination or not will help restore it.

Marriage This is the easiest. Since marriage is a legal contract, you need someone who is legally authorised to conduct it. Priests are legally authorised. Also, there's surely a role in talking through what marriage means, what you're actually committing to? But that could be done by anyone.

Funeral I actually think my views here are quite pagan. The dead scare the living, and we want someone sufficiently powerful to lay the dead to rest successfully. Also, we want someone who will handle the situation sensitively. Funerals are for the living to say goodbye to the dead. The person leading that has to be able to handle other people's emotions, doubts, questions.

Baptism In an emergency, any Christian can baptise someone. Baptism doen't make a person a child of God, but it initiates that person into the 'club' of the Church. So, you have to be a member to initiate someone else, but why do you have to be a priest?

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*sigh*

Well, I've tried doing what Liz suggeted. Here goes:

Ministry at work I think I can be a little corner of calm, on occasion, but I need to work on being that more often. What Andrea described as my sense of serenity come from feeling centred, and calm within. My equilibrium hasn't really been settled for quite a while. Hopefully, a decision about continuing with ordination or not will help restore it.

Marriage This is the easiest. Since marriage is a legal contract, you need someone who is legally authorised to conduct it. Priests are legally authorised. Also, there's surely a role in talking through what marriage means, what you're actually committing to? But that could be done by anyone.

Funeral I actually think my views here are quite pagan. The dead scare the living, and we want someone sufficiently powerful to lay the dead to rest successfully. Also, we want someone who will handle the situation sensitively. Funerals are for the living to say goodbye to the dead. The person leading that has to be able to handle other people's emotions, doubts, questions.

Baptism In an emergency, any Christian can baptise someone. Baptism doen't make a person a child of God, but it initiates that person into the 'club' of the Church. So, you have to be a member to initiate someone else, but why do you have to be a priest?

<Holy Communion This one really has me stumped. The thing is, I've never 'got' Holy Communion. It's not the highlight of my fortnight to receive it. The bread and wine are symbols, but they are in no way the body and blood of Christ - even in a spiritual sense. So, what role does the priest play? He/she isn't 'playing the part' of Jesus. He/she isn't somehow transforming the bread and wine into something else. Legally, I understand that there are parts of the HC service only the priest can say - but theologically, it leaves me cold.

In thinking about all of these things, I've come to the realisation that, whilst I would see being allowed into the big moments of other people's lives as a privilege, I have no real desire to be so invited. And, most powerfully, if I can't see what Guy does at HC that's so important, how am I supposed to find anything worthwhile in it for myself?

In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm even a proper Anglican!

Lay Readership attracts me. It builds on my current role, and adds some formal training, so I would actually feel I knew what I was talking about rather than fumbling in the dark. It would also give me a 'real' title that couldn't be ignored by future clergy at St Bride's.

Ordination doesn't attract me, and never has. I may be capable of doing it, but that doesn't mean I should do it. It's encouraging that other people see something in me that leads them to think I'd make a good job of it, but that isn't enough. All the things that attract me about ministry, I can find in Readership.

I don't think I'm like the vicar in the flood, ignoring what's in front of me, and I don't think I'm like Jonah, running away from what I know God wants of me. That God is calling - and has been calling for a long time - I don't doubt, but I don't believe it's to ordination.

I'm going to cry, again. Why is this so fucking hard?!

Suck it and see, huh?

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 20:33:49 GMT

Finally went to visit Liz, today. She suggested continuing with my application, just to give it a go. She thinks full-time stipendary ministry is ultimately the way for me to go, but perhaps not yet. She's asked me to re-think non-stipendary ministry.

The problem with NSM is that I have always considered that the Church taking the piss. I mean, I feel the Church gets its use out of me now! Getting me for free as a priest just feels like the icing on the cake. And yet, it would satisfy my feeling that my place is at St Bride's (or that I'm just not ready for full-time ministry - not sure which), and the vicar-in-the-flood sensation that comes from other people asking, 'have you ever considered...?'.

Liz said she was once asked if she felt her calling was more like Isaiah or Jeremiah. I checked them both, and I think, for me, I feel more like Isaiah - that I am unworthy. And yet, if God is calling, who am I to say I am unworthy? And He is definitely calling...

So, my conundrum has shifted slighty to 'is thinking about full-time stipendary ordained ministry distracting me from other things, or are other things distracting me from working towards full-time stipendary ordained ministry'. Liz said, 'don't think of it as an either/or' - and NSM is a kind of middle road...

...and, whilst I still think NSM is the Church taking the piss, somehow it feels more comfortable...

In the meantime, Liz has given me some specific things to think about, as follows:

* how do I see my 'ministry at work', ie, my current day job?
* as an ordained person, what would my role be in holy communion, baptisms, weddings, and funerals?

Plenty to ponder.

Mini retreat

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 11:31:22 GMT

I've really been feeling the need to take some time out and reflect on stuff. I have a week off work coming up, and I'm thinking of putting it to good use!

There will be Tarot, but also Bible reading, prayer, and lots of writing. I'm going to get a couple of books out of the Uni library that I think will help me to focus. I'm also going to invest in a new notebook and possibly some scrapbooking bits and pieces to make it interesting. I'm also considering collecting magazine pictures, and things of that sort - though, since I never buy magazines, I may end up drawing.

Old friends

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 20:06:25 GMT

I need to get down some of the questions Paul left me with. At some point in time, I need to find answers...

Is God transcendent (external), imminent (internal), or both?

Was Jesus' death truly a one-off 'sacrifice made for sin'? Can we all experience our own moments of death and resurrection?

What is sin anyway? Is it the wounding of God in others?

Does the Devil exist?

If he does, did God create him, and (therefore) evil?

If he doesn't, is God actually angry and vengeful rather than good and loving?

Does the trinity exist?

Do heaven and hell exist?

Does consciousness somehow survive physical death?

Will my 'resurrection' be physical or spiritual?

How could Jesus be fully human and fully divine? Or was he as fully divine as a human being could be?

One thing I am certain about is that I have a personal relationship with God. My thoughts are a constant conversation with God, and you need two people to have a conversation. But what form that other person takes I don't know. He/she/it/they could be within me, I suppose.

I shall pop back now and again as I think these things through.

Joseph - beyond the technicolor dreamcoat

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 21:07:08 GMT

Genesis 35 - 46

Faith and Work 1

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 20:49:57 GMT

Difficulties
Finding God in computers and systems
Removal from 'customers'

Inspiration
Knowing I'm doing 'good' work
Opportunities to grow

What does God think of my work?

Easter 4

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 21:29:04 GMT

Readings are Acts 9:36-43 , Psalm 23 , Revelation 7:9-17 , and John 10:22-30 . All to do with sheep and shepherds.

So, some thoughts...

Sheep
Protected
Have everything they need
Safe
Wander off
Silly
Evolutionary reasons for herding and following
Sign of wealth
Sacrificial animal
Bad press
Useful - meat, wool, milk

Shepherd
Cares for the sheep
Knows each by name
Looks for them when they are lost
Helps them to find pasture
Keeps them safe

Oneness with God
Jesus at one with God
Christians at one with Jesus, and therefore God

Good Friday

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 11:38:44 GMT

The monthly Celtic evening was held last night, rather than tomorrow. I want to record it, even though I really don't know if I can do it justice. It included a bring and share meal, where everyone brought something to eat (obviously). I'd already had my tea, but I managed to dig in!

We started with lighting candles and grace, and then ate the savoury part of the meal. Then there was a dramatic bit where nearly everyone had a script and read out their parts - Pharisees, Disciples, Jesus and so on. That ended with 'Jesus' washing 'Peter's' feet. Then we dug into the puds - raspberry pavlova, hot cross bun loaf, and other yummies.

Then we had a kind of Stations of the Cross. First, we had our wrists bound with tape to show our solidarity with those imprisoned illegally or unfairly. Part of me didn't want to join in, but it would have been extremely difficult not to, so, I felt pressured. I think, though, the whole evening made me a little uncomfortable (which was surely the point), and my contrary side was exerting itself. So, I joined in, because really there was no reason not to.

Next, we moved to a station with a crude wooden cross, nails and a hammer. Guy gave everyone a nail, and we used them to free each other from the tape. Then we hammered the nails into the cross. When I was about 14, a couple of blokes came to school and described the Cruxifiction in graphic detail, including the scourging, the effect of the nails in the wrists, etc. Obviously, it's something that has stayed with me. The sound of the nails being hammered in echoed around the church. It was... How to describe how I felt...? As if I was a witness to some horrible act? Perhaps. Somehow, I felt better after hammering my nail in - I nailed my debts to the cross. Not sure what God's supposed to do about them, but something needs to be done :(

Then we looked at an amazing painting. It was shown from the perspective of Jesus lying on the cross as the soldier hammered in the nails with a ring of faces all looking down at him and the sun blackened by the eclipse in the centre. I need to find out who its by - Guy did say, but I've forgotten - so I can show it here.

The last station, we tasted some sour wine - it was suitably disgusting.

Finally, we went back to the table and listened to 'The Death of Acer' by Grieg. I felt I was having a conversation with God. He told me that his sacrifice was for me, because he loved me. Of course, this is what I believe, anyway. And I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that kind of 'direct contact' - though I supposed it's possible. Anyway, the whole experience brought tears to my eyes.

So, I haven't really done the evening justice. But at least I've recorded it, now.

Love again!

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 21:13:39 GMT

Yesterday's reading was 1 Corinthians 15: 20 - 58

Question: What do you think about death?

Well, I'm not afraid of it. I am afraid of certain ways of dying - suffocation, drowning, that kind of thing. But it seems impossible for the world to exist without me in it. It's like trying to imagine the world before you were born.

I don't believe that my present, physical body is necessary for me to live with God after it has died. Life after death is life with God - eternal life. But I don't see it as a physical one. Although, the 'real' Narnia in The Last Battle is very attractive!

Death not the end of life. Physical death is simply a way into a new kind of life. I do not pretend to know what that is, so all ideas are valid, I suppose. But it's quite exciting to think that at some point in the future I will know.

Today's reading completes 1 Corinthians, and this section of 'Guidelines'. 1 Corinthians 16: 1 - 24

Question: What notes or letters do you need to send to convey the love of God?

I need to write to G to try to explain myself. Whether it will also convey the love of a God he doesn't believe in, I don't know...

A thank you note to both Guy and Janet would not be out of place.

Resurrection

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 22:16:25 GMT

Reading - 1 Corinthians 15: 1 - 19

Question: How important is it to you that Christ's body was raised from the dead?

Some new information in tonight's notes. I had always thought that the body and soul were separate, but apparantly this is a pagan, Greek idea. For Paul, as a Jew and a Christian, without the body there is no resurrection. This sounds rather Ancient Egyptian, too...

For me, the body is not necessary for a life after death. But Jesus' resurrection meant that there was no body in the tomb. But that was to prove something quite specific, surely? That God has complete power over death and decay, that he can turn death around and make it work backwards. In that sense, it was important that Jesus' resurrection was a physical one.

Life in the Kingdom of God is not something for the future, it is something that can happen here and now.

Eternal life in God does not require a physical body. So, I can continue with my plans for cremation!

But is that scriptural...?

More love from Paul...

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 22:00:20 GMT

This time it's 1 Corinthians 14: 1 - 40

Question: In what ways can the gifts among your church members be turned loose to build up the worship and life of the community?

Is it too much of a cop out to say that we're too small to make much impact on our community? Or at least, too few of us are active outside Sunday morning worship...

I am releasing my gifts, particularly hymn selection, and soon prayer and speaking. The trick is in finding the gifts in others and encouraging them to use them. That is something I need to learn...

Love is...

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 20:01:56 GMT

A very familiar passage, today. 1 Corinthians 13: 1 - 13

Questions: How do you define love? Who are the people in whom you see it most clearly?

Love is...

Patient
Kind
Warm
Concerned for others
Concerned with doing good
Wanting to make things right
Acceptance
Uncomprimising

I see these things in Janet, Paul Skirrow, Guy, Neville(!), Anita, Michael (sometimes), my mother - Colin, Billy, Becky (with Luke).

I'm surrounded!

A new week

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 18:48:16 GMT

Today's reading is 1 Corinthians 12: 1 - 31

Questions: What are your spiritual gifts? How are you using them?

I seem to attract confidences from people, without seeking them. People talk to me, and I can offer sympathy, but I don't carry other people's burdens with me afterwards. I've sometimes considered counselling because of that. But this is a gift I use passively.

I also have a talent for words - of course, heh! - and my prayers have been well received in the past. It's a long time since I wrote any, but I'm thinking I should start again.

Perhaps I have a gift in speaking? That remains to be tested.

Finally, I have a knack of picking hymns, which Guy particularly commented on. Again, I'm not sure I'm terribly active in this. I just choose what feels right, but it is something I use a lot.

Interesting questions, today.

One week!

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 20:01:37 GMT

Yesterday's reading was 1 Corinthians 11: 17-34

Questions: What does the Lord's Supper mean to you? What are you doing to make newcomers feel welcome in your church?

I have a bit of a problem with Holy Communion. I kind of know that it's the pinnacle of Christian worship, but I prefer Morning Prayer. The title 'Lord's Supper' is more helpful, though, especially thinking back to 'The Inclusive God'. Combining the communal meal of the Corinthians with the open, inclusive meal of the Kingdom of God does mean something. I certainly have no problem with everyone being invited to take Communion - if they choose not to, it is their choice to exclude themselves from that part of the service.

There is mystery, there, too - an open, accessible mystery, that somehow remains mysterious. We stand in a circle and eat wafers, and drink from the same cup, and become united in the body of Christ - united with each other and every other Christian who celebrates the Eucharist.

As for welcoming newcomers, I don't think we have a problem with that, at least collectively. And even I can chat to newbies, sometimes.

There is no reading for today, but there are a couple of questions...

What freedom(s) do you seek? When did you last experience the joy of serving others?

I want to be me, without restraint, without censure. And on the whole I am. I would like to be free of debt, and I know I can be - but it might be a struggle for the whole family.

I served others this week by preparing the service - which felt good because it was a (fairly) new experience. Certainly, doing it by myself was new.

Still with Corinthians...

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 20:42:16 GMT

Reading: 1 Corinthians 11: 2 - 16

Guidelines question: What do you think are the appropriate limits for what people wear in church? Why?

I'm quite relaxed about what people wear - I wear jeans and trainers, myself, even for leading. I would be surprised by someone coming into St Bride's dressed to the nines, or only half dressed. Pyjamas would be out - that's not dressed at all. I suppose whatever people would wear to go shopping in town is OK for church. Or at least, St Bride's.

I don't think there is any need to 'dress up' - I don't think God is too worried about what people are wearing. It's what's in our hearts that's important. So, maybe pyjamas would be OK!

Bible study 3

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 22:32:51 GMT

Today's reading is 1 Corinthians 10: 1 - 11: 1

Guidelines asks: How does your response to temptation affect other people? Why is complaining spiritually dangerous?

Well, as a 'leader' of St Bride's, if I was seen to be giving in to temptation, it might lead others to believe that what I was doing was alright for them, too. I'm not sure what they might see me do that would count as giving in to temptation, though. I suppose, giving in to the temptation of snapping at someone who was annoying me would upset that person. My temptations tend to be internal. Giving in to one particualar temptation would certainly affect my family, but that isn't going to happen. *shrug*

Complaining is spiritually dangerous because it causes divisions within the congregation, or family, or whatever. It also focusses on the negatives in a situation, which generates a harmful mindset. Negativity is catching.

Bible study 2

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 10:14:56 GMT

This is actually yesterday's reading, which I looked at yesterday, but am only writing about, today.

The reading was 1 Corinthians 9: 1 - 27

Guidelines asks: Who has been the most influential example in your Christian life? How and why?

I have to say Janet. I've known her for nearly 20 years *faints*, and she has never been 'young' chronologically. But she has an enjoyment of life, and a willingness to learn that continue to amaze me. Recently she has sounded 'old' on the 'phone, which has surprised and distressed me, because I've never thought of her as old.

I know that having to deal with the reality of Andrew working with her when she does not agree that homosexuality is a viable lifestyle was hard for her. It also showed her love of the person, even if she couldn't agree with what they did. I've seen that, too!

I trust her to always be completely honest with me. She has been a blessing to me and my family.